Key 1
Matthew 18:15 “you have gained your
brother”
The key to handling conflict is to have the right purpose
when entering conflict. The purpose that
Jesus lays out is one of restoration, “gaining a brother.” So often we go into to conflict with wrong
intentions. We want to prove we are
right or win the argument. Biblical
conflict goes deeper than just being right, it’s about regaining a right
relationship.
Key 2
Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins
against you”
Sin is the root of real conflict. Know the difference between sin and just a
simple disagreement. Way too often we
over play a simple disagreement with another person and we sin by losing a
friendship, marriage, or church over a disagreement. Two mature adults should be able to disagree
and get along...it’s sin not to. If you
are angry and hurt that a person disagrees with you, then you need to relax and
calm down. Don’t fight or lose a friend
over a disagreement. The source of true
conflict is sin. Something wrong has
been done and so something must be done.
Sin is worth fighting and a friend who has sinned against you is worth
fight for.
Now, to the steps to handling real conflict.
Step 1 – One on
One
Matthew
18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and
tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have
gained your brother.
Simply put: go
talk to them and tell them what they have done wrong. The goal of this step is not to scorn, shame,
or embarrass. The goal is to
restore. It is an act of true brotherly
love and concern.
There are two positive things about this approach. First, it gives the person the benefit of the
doubt. Maybe they didn’t know what they
were doing or didn’t mean to hurt you.
They might be just as shocked as you were, unaware that their sinful
actions were hurting you.
Second, it also shows the person you that you truly love
and value their relationship and that you believe they do too. It gives them the
opportunity to demonstrate their love and care for you by making things right
to restore their relationship to you. It
shows that you trust their love.
Step one is usually where we usually go off script and
where we go wrong. The sinful nature in
us wants to do anything but step one.
It’s easier to avoid it altogether.
It’s easier to call it quits.
It’s easier to assume the other person will know they hurt you and come
to you and make it right. It is easier
to enjoy the sympathy of others when we tell others what someone did. It’s easier to make others think less of the
other person and more of you.
These other ways seem easier, but in the long
run not one of them will turn out well and their outcome is way more painful. You are the one who loses. Trust me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve lost good friends over this and ultimately
it was just as much my fault! I may not
have been the one that sinned first, but by gossiping, avoiding, or quitting, I
sinned too. I acted just as unlovingly
to them by not loving them enough to talk with them one on one. They may have been a bad friend, but I was
one too.
Too many marriages
are lost, too many friendships are dissolved, too many churches are split, too
many families are now only related by blood all because step one was not done. Far too much talking behind backs goes on in churches, marriages, and friendships. We are beating ourselves and each other up and no one wins. That is not the way of Jesus.
Remember, the goal is to gain or restore a friend, not to
lose one. Love them enough to talk to them.
In my experience, 9 times out of 10, the issue is resolved in step one.
Step 2 – Two on
One
Matthew
18:16 But if he does not listen, take one or two
others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of
two or three witnesses.
Simply put: Take
another person with you and privately confront the person. Here’s why this is such a good idea. It gives legitimacy and credibility to your
case. It’s no longer just a “he said,
she said” issue. There are others who
saw, heard it, and thought it too. This
is vital if a person refuses to repent after you’ve talked with them one on
one. The Old Testament law gave great
weight to the confrontation and evidence of two people:
Deuteronomy 19:15 “A
single witness shall not suffice against a person for any crime or for any
wrong in connection with any offense that he has committed. Only on the
evidence of two witnesses or of three witnesses shall a charge be established.
Side note: If you can’t find anyone who will stand with you, then you
may not really have anything to stand on.
You may need to reevaluate the situation and look deeply at what has
been done.
Hearing it from more than one person can help open their
eyes. Maybe the other person will help
you state what’s been done wrong in a clearer and more understandable way. It also shows love as it protects the
reputation of the sinner, attempts to handle the matter quietly and quickly, and
keeps the issue from causing more problems.
Once again the goal is to regain a brother!
Step 3 – All on
One
Matthew
18:17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to
the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you
as a Gentile and a tax collector.
After one on one, then after two on one, if the person
still refuses to repent then take it before the church. We rarely see this today. Why?
Is it because we are so good at step 1 and 2 that we
never have to get to this step? Hey, there
are too many split churches, too many divorced Christians, too many fighting
families, and too much hypocrisy for me to believe this is the case.
No, maybe it’s because we’ve found other unbiblical ways to handle our conflicts
with another’s sin: gossip, avoidance,
lawyers, lawsuits, complacency, and Xanax.
Maybe it’s because we are too comfortable with conflict, unrepentance,
and sin in the church. Maybe it’s because
we don’t really love each other like we should.
Maybe it’s because rarely do steps 1 and 2 properly, so why do step 3?
If you are dealing with a true friend, a true Christian,
and a person with the conviction of the Holy Spirit inside them, then confronting
them through Step 1, Step 2, and Step 3 properly will more often than not lead
to their repentance and rarely will you ever have to do what Jesus says to do
next. But, if they remain unrepentant
and resolved to their sinful actions then we must show them love by doing what
Jesus says and “treat them as an unbeliever.”
Now, this is not excommunication,
but it definitely is a change in the way you relate to that person and their
standing with you. Most importantly
it is a change of direction and approach of ministry to that person. Our job is now to do exactly what we are
supposed to do to unbelievers: pray for
them, minister to them, witness to them, be among them, but not of them. Should we remove them from the membership
rolls of the church? In some cases, absolutely. But the goal is still to work to restore them
to right fellowship through repentance and forgiveness.
Romans 12:20-21 on the
contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him
something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his
head." 21 Do not be
overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
You know what is missing in this whole process? Payback, winning, getting it your way, or
slandering someone. Those things are the
way of the world and the way of the flesh, not the way of Jesus. The way of Jesus is love and these three
steps are the way he calls us to love those who hurt us.
Key 3
I said there were three keys. Here’s the third: Forgiveness. Listen to the very next thing Jesus was
asked after he laid the 3 steps out:
Matthew 18:21-22 Then
Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin
against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" 22 Jesus said to him, "I do
not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
Marghanita Laski was a famous novelist and secular
humanist, listen to what she said before her death, “What I envy most about you
Christians is your forgiveness; I have nobody to forgive me.” (John Stott, The Contemporary Christian)
By far this is the hardest key, but it is also the most
Godly and the most freeing. We are never
more like Jesus and never do we live life more like Jesus than when we make the
choice to forgive. The greatest thing
that God did for us was to forgive us in Jesus Christ. We should always be willing and eager to do
the same for each other. Forgiveness is
the toughest but also the fullest expression of love.
Sometimes friends can become enemies, but don’t let that
be your fault. Do everything you can to
keep them from becoming enemies. Seek
the steps of regaining a friend, a spouse, and brother or sister in Christ. Remember:
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:7-8
